Bring Me Up: The Sound: Fear

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Fear

Fear is a funny thing. Some people are afraid of spiders and snakes. Some people are afraid of the dark. Some people are afraid of being alone; others are afraid of committing.

I'm not afraid of singing out loud and sounding obnoxious whereas someone else might be terrified of that. I'm not afraid of ghosts or anything of the paranormal persuasion. I'm not afraid to try squid at an Indian restaurant where there is far too much curry in everything. I am not afraid of allowing myself to go through pain so that I can make someone else feel at ease.

I have found myself at a crossroads. I know I have passed this way before. The scenery is familiar and the feeling is familiar. Choices need to be made.

Imagine a fork in the road. Two paths, both of which I could travel. Both of which I fear. But there are different kinds of fear. And in this instance each of these paths has their own type of fear attached.

One of them is worn, well traveled, many potholes and very dark. And on this path (I've been traveling it awhile) I have tried to lighten the way, with my own optimistic glow. As hard as I have tried...I have been unable to lift the shadows. Eventually those shadows put out my light. And I felt...still feel...fear. Fear of losing myself. Fear of never feeling good enough. Fear of finding myself years down the road, on this same path...crawling. Bloody knees, calloused hands, tear stained cheeks... I fear pain to stay and I fear pain to leave.

The other path is one with a little bit of light. Fancy it a sunrise on the horizon, clouds burnt with red and orange. I have tried to leave the darkness and go to this path before, but I have let fear stop me. Why? Because, I was afraid of the lit path just as much as the dark one. This fear was, in short, the thought of being alone. It didn't matter that I was crawling and broken on the worn path because at least someone was with me. Turning away and moving on meant being alone on my own, trying to find myself and put the pieces back together.

Fear.

I am choosing to overcome it.

I return to bad situations because for a very long time I have been a broken little girl inside the body of a woman. One painful situation after another, it is a pattern and patterns are comfortable. There is always this hope that things will change. Things will get better. I believe it with all my heart. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, ya know? The bad times get so bad that I crave the good times all that much more, so when the good times DO happen it's like a piece of heaven. I get all giddy and happy and I feel just a hint of love. I just want to take it all in and bottle it for a rainy day. That is where fear comes into play again. I jump at the chance for a good moment and then I am so afraid I won't see it again or it will end any second and so I try to get all I can, I try to bottle it away and cherish it like a treasure. Because IT WILL end. It WILL crash and burn. No dinner date or movie night can make up for someone breaking you and abusing you and taking your love for granted.

Seems sick doesn't it? How I can sit here and in complete honesty tell you these things and truly mean them. It is just sick. But it is so true. And I have so much to overcome.

You are skeptical I know. I've said it before, that I'm leaving and I'm not looking back. I'm done. I don't deserve the torture. I am better than this. I deserve better than this and so does my son.

Fear.

It's not a game. It's not drama. It's not ridiculous. No, not at all. You see...this is my life and my future. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. When someone is emotionally abusive they will minimize all of your pain because they know they have inflicted it. They will deny. They will blame. They will call names. They will make you look like the crazy one to everyone on the outside. It is humiliating. You start to feel like maybe you are just being crazy. You start to feel dramatic and ridiculous. You start to feel worthless. You will never be good enough. You will continue to try and try and try, but you will never be able to prove yourself. The fact of the matter is that when you love someone, you shouldn't have to keep trying to prove yourself. You just shouldn't.

"Abusive people can't meet their own emotional needs, so they force and control other people to try to meet their needs. Statistics show that abusive people do not love their victim, they love controlling their victim. (Although they may truly believe they are a loving partner and will often profess to love their partner in a convincing manner.)"

Fear.

No more.

I am NOT worthless!