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Light some candles and pour me some wine.

The only bad thing about Midnight Movies single "Patient Eye" is the fact that I didn't hear it until today. What have my ears been listening to all this time?

This song has such a soothing sound that I literally felt the muscles in my neck and shoulder relax. I kid you not. The song is produced by Steve Fisk. Sound familiar? Of course it does. Fisk has also produced songs for Nirvana, Soundgarden, Minus the Bear, The Screaming Trees and Unwound.

Check out the video.

If you like "Patient Eye" then you will also like their song "Persimmon Tree."

Labels: music

"How Well Can You Swim?" is a song by Panther that I don't know why I like so much. But my feet don't stay still when that song is on. In fact, my head even bobs from side-to-side when I hear the dance beat. And I may be completely off base, but the sound reminds me a little bit of "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz. More so than anything, I like that it is different.

"Secret Lawns" is the title of the full length album set to come out next week. And Panther will be touring, but the closest to our zip will be the Baltimore show at The Depot.

I do have to say that it bothers me more hype is filtering through the media about their music video than the actual song. But what can you do?

Want the vinyl?

P.S. That sound I know you love in this song...he's hitting a bottle.

Labels: music

Labels: music

I can't explain it. I don't know why I have become so blessed. Maybe I always have been and I finally am able to see what is so wonderful about my life.

Anyway.

My blog was chosen to appear on the front page of The News Journal's website again yesterday. You can read it here. This comes after on Thursday appearing in print on the front of their Home & Garden section!

Truly. I just don't even know what to say. Other than to thank Braeden for being such an amazing inspiration and joy.

Labels: braeden, life

Fear is a funny thing. Some people are afraid of spiders and snakes. Some people are afraid of the dark. Some people are afraid of being alone; others are afraid of committing.

I'm not afraid of singing out loud and sounding obnoxious whereas someone else might be terrified of that. I'm not afraid of ghosts or anything of the paranormal persuasion. I'm not afraid to try squid at an Indian restaurant where there is far too much curry in everything. I am not afraid of allowing myself to go through pain so that I can make someone else feel at ease.

I have found myself at a crossroads. I know I have passed this way before. The scenery is familiar and the feeling is familiar. Choices need to be made.

Imagine a fork in the road. Two paths, both of which I could travel. Both of which I fear. But there are different kinds of fear. And in this instance each of these paths has their own type of fear attached.

One of them is worn, well traveled, many potholes and very dark. And on this path (I've been traveling it awhile) I have tried to lighten the way, with my own optimistic glow. As hard as I have tried...I have been unable to lift the shadows. Eventually those shadows put out my light. And I felt...still feel...fear. Fear of losing myself. Fear of never feeling good enough. Fear of finding myself years down the road, on this same path...crawling. Bloody knees, calloused hands, tear stained cheeks... I fear pain to stay and I fear pain to leave.

The other path is one with a little bit of light. Fancy it a sunrise on the horizon, clouds burnt with red and orange. I have tried to leave the darkness and go to this path before, but I have let fear stop me. Why? Because, I was afraid of the lit path just as much as the dark one. This fear was, in short, the thought of being alone. It didn't matter that I was crawling and broken on the worn path because at least someone was with me. Turning away and moving on meant being alone on my own, trying to find myself and put the pieces back together.

Fear.

I am choosing to overcome it.

I return to bad situations because for a very long time I have been a broken little girl inside the body of a woman. One painful situation after another, it is a pattern and patterns are comfortable. There is always this hope that things will change. Things will get better. I believe it with all my heart. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, ya know? The bad times get so bad that I crave the good times all that much more, so when the good times DO happen it's like a piece of heaven. I get all giddy and happy and I feel just a hint of love. I just want to take it all in and bottle it for a rainy day. That is where fear comes into play again. I jump at the chance for a good moment and then I am so afraid I won't see it again or it will end any second and so I try to get all I can, I try to bottle it away and cherish it like a treasure. Because IT WILL end. It WILL crash and burn. No dinner date or movie night can make up for someone breaking you and abusing you and taking your love for granted.

Seems sick doesn't it? How I can sit here and in complete honesty tell you these things and truly mean them. It is just sick. But it is so true. And I have so much to overcome.

You are skeptical I know. I've said it before, that I'm leaving and I'm not looking back. I'm done. I don't deserve the torture. I am better than this. I deserve better than this and so does my son.

Fear.

It's not a game. It's not drama. It's not ridiculous. No, not at all. You see...this is my life and my future. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. When someone is emotionally abusive they will minimize all of your pain because they know they have inflicted it. They will deny. They will blame. They will call names. They will make you look like the crazy one to everyone on the outside. It is humiliating. You start to feel like maybe you are just being crazy. You start to feel dramatic and ridiculous. You start to feel worthless. You will never be good enough. You will continue to try and try and try, but you will never be able to prove yourself. The fact of the matter is that when you love someone, you shouldn't have to keep trying to prove yourself. You just shouldn't.

"Abusive people can't meet their own emotional needs, so they force and control other people to try to meet their needs. Statistics show that abusive people do not love their victim, they love controlling their victim. (Although they may truly believe they are a loving partner and will often profess to love their partner in a convincing manner.)"

Fear.

No more.

I am NOT worthless!

Labels: life

"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."

*taking a deep breath*

Is it silly that when I pray for courage...I'm really only hoping for the courage to keep standing?

Labels: life

She's got a vision without you in mind...

You'll never know what it could have been...

All hands on deck...

My ship is sinking...

And good-bye to you.

- Waking Ashland

Labels: music

My number has been changed. I tried to give it to some people yesterday, sorry if you haven't gotten it yet. And as most of you know, I do have a gmail account you can reach me at anytime.

Song of the moment is "Teardrops on my guitar" by Taylor Swift.
And here is a lyrical snippet for you:

So I drive home alone.
As I turn out the light,
I'll put his picture down,
And maybe get some sleep tonight.

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart,
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do.

He's the time taken up,
But there's never enough.
And he's all that I need to fall into.

He looks at me.
I fake a smile so he won't see.

Labels: life, music

In the very near future I will be changing my e-mail address and cell phone number. Don't freak out. I'll make sure that the people who need that new information will get it.

Did you know it costs $36 to change a Cingular phone number?

GOOD GRIEF!

If you get The News Journal pull out today's (Thursday, February 22,2007) Home & Garden section and look in the bottom right corner.

Haha. I'm simply giddy about this, but they put in a promo to get people to come to the She Said page online and they used an excerpt from one of my blogs. Isn't that cool? My name is in the paper! This has totally made my day!

So here is the blog entry if you wish to read it.

Labels: life

Anberlin's new album came out yesterday. It is called "Cities."

I knew right away that this album was going to be awesome. It is a little harder than most of the music I listen to, but the feeling and the lyrics are something I can't walk away from.

Here are some lyrical snippets for you:

You're repeating me lines that you think I wanna hear
But I don't wanna hear anymore
As if sorry is any consolation
For what it's worth, you're stringing me along
Sh sh shouldn't need anyone
Shouldn't need anyone
Just scared of being alone
But by the time you figure this out
Then I'm already gone
from "Adelaide"

...and...

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love
from - "Inevitable"

Labels: music

I got in touch with a realtor recently because I would like to buy my own place within the next six months.

I know, I know. Some people might think it is not a good idea because there has been a lot of stress in my life and I need to handle my emotional anguish. But for me, setting a goal like this and doing what I can to reach it is important.

And so. I intend to save enough for at least a 5% downpayment on something by August. The realtor thinks that there should be several options for me and he isn't worried. He says I should find a place I really like. I sort of laughed when he said that, as did he, because my tastes can be unique. I'm not picky. Don't get me wrong. Honestly, I just need 1 bathroom and two bedrooms...and preferably a drive way unlike that horrific bungalow...but that is another story for another day.

In my head I envision a fireplace...big open doorways...

Who knows? There is plenty of time to think about it and look around.

But I know I can do this. Brae and I need this and it's something I want as well.

So. The search begins.

Labels: life

My friend Joe sent a mass e-mail forward to a bunch of people and didn't have a message it just had a link.

Joe is wicked smart and I knew he wouldn't send just anything, so I went to the link and watched a video for a little over six minutes.

No expectations. Just watching. Reading. Hearing the music.

So now I am sharing it with you. Also without a message. So just watch. I know six minutes is a long time but I promise you it is worth it. So first turn the MP3 player on the right OFF. And then press play on the video player below.

Labels: life

I'm not going to write long about this because seriously it infuriates me so much that I could...well...I could kick something. Read below for a tiny excerpt.

WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday designed to help parents curtail their children's boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death among youths ages 3 to 14.
Enlarge Image Child Safety

"Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child's imagination before it explodes and destroys her completely," said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines.

What kind of sick person is this Kenneth McMillan to think that stopping a child's imagination could EVER be a good thing? That is just so absurd I can't even stop shaking my head!

Labels: idiocy

Totally forgot to write about "Bridge to Terabithia."

I'll be the first to admit that though I am an avid reader, I have never read this book. Which I probably should have read to Brae before taking him to see the movie. Perhaps then I could have prepared myself better for the sob fest that occurred midway through the movie and ceased when the movie was over.

The story is about two children who feel like outsiders. They wind up being the best of friends and they build each others confidence whilst also creating a magical imaginary land...Terabithia. Jess and Leslie are King and Queen of Terabithia and they rule the Kingdom. There are fantastical creatures and a dark lord that also inhabit this kingdom and the adventures they have are a joy to watch.

Leslie inspired me immensely. She was such a free spirit, true to herself no matter what. Plus, I loved the way she dressed.

Aside for the story, the music in this movie was amazing. Jeremy Camp's voice made an appearance which I was happy about. He is also on the Narnia soundtrack. Aaron Zigman did a great job with the instrumentals. The music enhanced the magical feel and it also deepened the sadness. Perhaps that is just because music is entirely emotional for me anyway.

So. Braeden tells me he liked the movie. There were times when he was sad and he leaned against me in the seat. But there were also times when he laughed out loud and even put his arms up in excitement when Jess was protecting Leslie from the possessed squirrel creatures. I don't think he understood all of the plot, but I do think he enjoyed the movie. And it's always fun for me to see his reactions to everything.

The only downfall to the outing was that while waiting in line to get pretzels and fruit punch, someone moved our coats and took the seats we saved. So by the time we got back in the theater since it took 30 minutes to get pretzels...we ended up having to sit in the front row. Brae was fine with it and though I would have preferred to sit farther away it really didn't matter when I saw how entranced he was with the big screen. =o)

Labels: braeden, life, movies, music

Me and my feelings and my dreams. Lately my intuition or sixth sense has been at a whole new level for me. And I am embracing that fully and hoping to fine-tune this gift even more.

Saturday night I had a series of short, weird dreams. Weird because they were so mundane and random. One of which involved seeing my Dad put his coat, hat and sunglasses on to leave the house. He had a worried look on his face and he said he had to go to Home Depot.

Seems silly, right?

I woke up on Sunday and I told my Dad about the dream. We laughed about it.

A few hours later he came upstairs from the basement and he said "Christy, you need to stop dreaming." Turns out there was a water leak, he didn't have the parts and so he was going to have to run out to Home Depot.

Stranger things have happened I am sure. This is something minor and silly, but coupled with the feelings that I get when someone I love is hurt or when I know I should take a different route to work and there ends up being an accident the way I normally go.

I don't know. I don't think I'm special. I think we all have the ability to tune into something deeper in ourselves...an instinct of sorts. But a lot of people roll their eyes at these kind of beliefs. That's crazy to me because we all know we use very little of our brains intelligence, right, it's 10%. God made us. God is amazing. Don't you think He left his fingerprints behind in His creations?

It just doesn't sound far fetched to me. People need to have an open mind and an open heart. This world would be a better place if the cynics and paranoid people could just stop thinking about everything wrong in their lives and build on the good.

Ok, ok, that is all the philosophical banter for the day. =o)

Labels: life

Keith Urban is on tour.

I'm aware of this...and have been for awhile now.

But I have not bought any tickets and probably won't be buying any.

He will tour again, of that I am sure.

I would LOVE to see him live. As I would also love to see Rascal Flatts live. So for those of you who read this..this is my promise...my VOW!

Before I die, I will see both Keith Urban AND Rascal Flatts in concert. And maybe Brae will even be able to come with me to those shows. That would make the experience all the better!

Labels: music

Sometimes you come across things that make so much sense you just can't believe you hadn't thought of it before. Why couldn't you have put it into words this way? Or you find the information so useful that you immediately need to blog about it.

Clearly, I just had one of those moments.

I came across this little column, a thought of the day, which discusses the "Triple Filter."

"In ancient Greece, scholar and intellectual, Dr. Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, Do you know what I just heard about one of your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Dr. Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.:

"Triple filter?" asked the man. "That's right," Dr. Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and wanted to tell it to you" "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary, it is bad "

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though. Because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really." Replied the man.

"Well," concluded Dr. Socrates. “If what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, and nor even useful to me, why tell it to me at all."

You can find this daily thought and others at Sisterwoman.com. It doesn't say who authored that post, but I thank them immensely.

Labels: life

Yes, it is bitter cold outside, but this post is not about the weather. This is about cold people. And I have a song for ya about this topic. It is in my MP3 Player to the right, Taylor Swift - Cold As You.

And here is a lyrical snippet:

"You never did give a damn thing, honey.
But I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you.
(Died for you)

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Every smile you fake is so condescending.
Counted all the scars you made.
Now that I'm sittin here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you."

Labels: music

Forgot to let you know. One of the News Journal updaters posted a blog entry of mine on the front page of delawareonline.com again.

It was a sort of tribute entry to my son.

You can check it out here if you would like.

Labels: life

Tuesday night through yesterday evening we had an ice storm. I believe we got about 2 inches of ice. I took some pictures and was going to send them to delawareonline.com for their storm galleries, but my internet went down yesterday morning and is still not back up. Nor is our power, period.

When I left for work this morning there still was not any power. Braeden and I slept together last night because the electric was out and he was nervous about the dark. We were under 6 blankets and I still felt frozen by the morning. His little furnace of a body remained toasty.

Valentine's Day is such a load of horse crap. Haha. But I have to say that yesterday was probably the best Valentine's Day I have ever had. Due to the ice storm I was able to stay with my Valentine all day long. Braeden even sang me the "little love bug" song that he learned at day care. So sweet.

I hope everyone was safe and warm yesterday. Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

Labels: braeden, life

Waking Ashland
"Reseda"

Two miles between you and me
But there might as well be an ocean
It's hard to believe we lost everything
We might as well be strangers
Cause I'm flying kites into the wind
And watching my life fall to pieces
And I'm painting pictures with all your lost letters
And hoping to just carry on

I'm crowding the streets of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep

A five minute drive between you and I
But I think i just might take a plane
To wake up and find you're not by my side
But to see your coat up on the wall
As clear as it seems, oh I still can't believe
But now we just float along
And sidewalks and streets, rhythm gone from our feet
The winter's going to be cold

I'm crowding the streets of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep

She says kiss me before you go through with this
Kiss me before you go through with this
And I couldn't do it, she just isn't me
She says kiss me before you go through with this

Crowding the streets of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep

Labels: music

Sometimes you can just sense when something is wrong. At least I can. And about 10 minutes ago I brough something upstairs to wash. As I was walking downstairs I felt weird, cold and shakey. I fell down about 5 stairs. I'm fine. Just sprained my shoulder.

Took some Tylenol and turned on Heroes. To breaking news. Something tragic has happened at the Naval Yard in South Philadelphia. 4 people killed, 1 critically injured. The shooter turned the gun on himself. I'm not sure what happened. It just upsets me when bad things happen. Life is so precious, so short, why would anyone do this? I have been angry and depressed, but I would never take an innocent person's life. I just don't understand.

Labels: life

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone--we find it with another." -- Thomas Merton

Labels: quotes

Not just a snippet.

WAKING ASHLAND
"Hands On Deck"

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

A step to the right to your own rhythm
And what comes next is up to you
I need a miracle to save me from this
And I need the angels to all pray for me
I can't believe you

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

Another day, another worry breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She's painting pictures I'm not making for her
And she's got a vision without me in mind
I can't believe it

The long walks on Moonlight Beach
The promises you could not keep
They're so contagious, you're so contagious
For all the world we did not see
And all the smiles you gave to me
They're so contagious, so very fake...

All hands on deck
Don't abandon the ship
You'll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don't let me go, don't let me drown

And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you
And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you

Labels: music

I have had a cinnamon candle lit today. One that I was given for Christmas. I absolutely love it. This smell is so comforting to me. I'm not sure why. But whatever works right?

Ready for your lyrical snippet?

Oh come on, you can't be tired of them yet.

The Damnwells - "Sell the Lie"

Just say anything you want to
You don't need all the things they promised to you
Sell the lie and give away the truth
Give away the truth

I have seen, among the oldest of things
The beginning, the start of the seam
That holds together, and keeps it from losing me

Labels: music

The jukebox is currently being updated so any music listening at this precise moment will be interrupted. It has been requested by an anonymous commentor that I freshen up the music flow and so I am.

Labels: music

Ladies and gentlemen...clap your hands for Rosie Thomas.

He took me to the hillside
He liked to take me there
He took me every Saturday
He put flowers in my hair

And we laughed like my mother said she once did
With my father on his birthday
When they went swimming
And he took her hand into his
And he told her that he loved her
His words held meaning

How do we make these moments last?
How do we get them to stay?
When everything passes and time goes away
He took me to the theater
He liked to take me there
He took me every Sunday
We did our talking there

And we laughed like my mother said she once did
With her sister on her birthday when she was seventeen
They took her car out for a spin
Along the ocean with the top down and life held beneath

How do we make these moments last?
How do we get them to stay?
When everything passes and time goes away

Labels: music

It might seem silly, but a blog I wrote "Marvel Heroes & Silent Laughs" was published on the front page of The News Journal's website at delawareonline.com.

I love to write and I would do it even if no one read my posts. But to know that someone thought it was interesting enough to put on the front of the site, well that's a pretty good feeling.

Guess I should thank Braeden when I get home for the inspiration!

Labels: braeden, life

My feet are moving and my heart is lighter. Why?

I'll tell you why.

Dar Williams.

*sigh*

A musical and lyrical genius. Keyboards, guitars, MANDOLINS and such an amazing voice. I might have to cross to the other side and marry this girl.

Song of the moment: "Farewell to the Old Me." And I'll give you a lyrical snippet since I know how much you love them!

How can I ask love to hold the mystery
When just look at me
It's all push and pull collateral
I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
I'll plan it out this time
Though I used to think that things were meant to be

So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
It's always changing anyhow

Labels: music

Oh you know I say "bah" all the time. And it's not a sheep sound, it's like the "bah" in "bah humbug." And meck, well, meck is a cross between "meh" and "heck."

So.

Bah! and Meck!

I'm tired.

Braeden has a pretty wicked cold and an ear infection. Which makes for rough nights. And the medicine I am on has been regulated (increased) which for me means an intense headache. But that will fade within a week or two and so I need to deal with it.

Work is still going very well. I have a katrillion projects on my plate, but I'm embracing it, because it is work I love to do. It feels good to have creative control back and to be appreciated as a web developer. I have even been called a web design genius recently. Haha. I'm definitely not a genius, but it felt good to hear.

Burlap to Cashmere. Where do I come up with these things? I know. I know. But again this is a band that I enjoy. You can listen to 30 second tidbits at Amazon. I recommend "Chop, Chop" and "Mansion."

And if you like it, the singer has a solo album that you can hear samples from on (the oh-so-dreaded) MySpace. Enjoy!

Labels: braeden, life, music, work

Oh don't pretend you don't have crooked fingers. We all do.

But not, really, "Crooked Fingers" is a band I have come to enjoy. And right now I am listening to their song "Twilight Creeps" which I find quite lovely. You will hear a trumpet, it will make you feel lighter. =o)

Lyric snapshot:

"Why does everybody always act so tough, when all anybody wants is to find a friend?
Why is everybody always trying to hide the heart which hidden has no use?"

Labels: music

So the groundhog didn't see his shadow. This means spring is coming early. And though it has been 18 degrees here since that prediction, there wasn't any prediction of precipitation. No prediction of snow in the forecast at all.

It snowed.

It snowed about 2 inches last night.

No I'm not upset. I love snow. But I also like when the roads are plowed. The state can't prepare the roads for proper snow removal IF IT ISN'T PREDICTED!

And so I say. Why in the world do people listen to groundhogs anyway!?

Labels: life

blue and white

it's okay I'm going home now
I'll be okay tonight
I just wanna be alone now
with the dark and the light
that's my favorite color blue there
as the sun sets in the sky
there's just something in the hue there
in the corner of my eye

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
something's pure that I am missing
something's sure that I am not
holding back and never letting you see

light a match in the dark now
see my shadow on the wall
doesn't look too much like me
no it's not like me at all
pour over what you wrote
and the letters burn the page
I see all the things you meant to me
in the things you didn't say

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
all the things that I've forgotten
all the things that I am not
holding back and never letting you see

now I am
now I am
now I am
now I am
now I am
now I am
oooh

Piano and vocals - Beth Waters

Labels: music

A tribute blog to baby Tatiyana. I took this picture at the hospital today with my cell phone, so it's kind of blurry. She is absolutely beautiful! I cuddled her for nearly an hour. She is so snuggly! I miss when Brae was that small. I hope I'm blessed with another child someday. Until then I do plan on buying a lot of girly baby things for this little gal.



Congrats again to Natascha and John.

Labels: life