Don't think I didn't know or forgot to mention...
I'm perfectly aware of what Marvel has done.
And quite frankly I'm very upset. Especially because just the other day my son told me that he wants to be Captain America when he grows up.
Now how can I explain to him that Marvel has killed Captain America?
Maybe he will be resurrected like Superman, I don't know. But I am just not at all happy about the death of this hero. I mean he was assassinated for pete's sake!
Why!?
**throws hands up in the air**
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Sometimes we need a more personal post, don't you think?
Recently, I have made great strides to improve the quality of my life. By that I mean I have actively chosen to make sure I take care of myself and my son. See to it that we are happy and as healthy as we can be. Stepping off my well walked path and stepping onto another one.
Please don't think that I am so naive as to not realize how co-dependent people seem to be drawn to me. And please don't think that I don't realize I put far too much effort into pleasing everyone else. I am aware of these things, acutely aware. And I don't feel shame for them, even if I should. I want to give positive energy to the world. That stems from the Celestine Prophecies.
The third insight of the Celestine Prophecies is "A MATTER OF ENERGY." And I firmly believe this prophecy to be true, however I have trouble comprehending it without the connection of the fourth prophecy "THE STRUGGLE FOR POWER." We project our energy to the world. If you focus your energy in something, you typically will see results. If you treat an animal with care and tenderness it will be more docile tahn an animal which was neglected and abused. In the same sense, when someone angry enters a room the other people in the area can normally sense their anger. This takes good energy away from the bystanders and therefore increases the negative energy.
The fourth insight says that there is a struggle for power when it comes to the energy we give and take, because so many people choose to take it. Specifically it states "To gain energy we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way, we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back."
That makes sense to me. And I want to surround myself with people who I can share energy with, an equal flow of giving.
If this sets me up to continue being a people pleaser, than I suppose we all have our own perspectives. I do know I need to continue building a more confident and positive energy within myself. Because that is the type of energy I want to share.
Tonight I participated in a Global Prayer Teleconference from 8 to 9 p.m. This is a Global Prayer Project that branches from the Celestine Vision. This particular conference spoke a lot about children. We prayed that children would be patient and learn to cope with conflicts in their life. We prayed about global conflicts and also discussed how there seems to be a lot of doom and gloom and we need to be bold enough to persevere. To use our intuition and steer through conflicts so as to keep ourselves ahead of the chaos and keep our own optimistic space to help positively influence the world.
Being a part of this project was actually quite amazing. To know there are people all over the world coming together in prayer for global healing...it was incredible. This further reitterates that because of how you live, because of the way your faith affects everything you do, because of the way you carry on in your life...you are directly impacting the ebb of energy around you.
Labels: life
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Today is March 4, 2007 and tomorrow starts the beginning of national MS Awareness Week.
You can read about current funded research at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society's website.
As a surviving person inflicted with MS, I think it is very important not to let it beat you down. It is imperative that you look at yourself as someone surviving every day and never as a victim.
It is hard to do this, especially when so many marketed drugs for the treatment of MS are nearly lethal. I am still amazed at how so many people can be diagnosed with something terrible, only to then find out the treatment is worse than the disease. But technology and medicine as a combined force are evolving productively by the minute and I have faith that better treatments and even cures will see the light of day sooner rather than later.
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I get the Rachel Ray magazine. Yes. I do.
And the issue for March came in the mail yesterday. It had such YUM-O sounding recipes and so I decided I am going to make dinner tonight for my parents. Braeden has decided he is going to help me. =o)
We needed ingredients. Fresh mozarello. EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil). Capacolla. Pasta. Vodka Sauce. Bread crumbs. Deeee-lish. While walking around I came across a new kind of broccoli bites, which didn't at all fit with the menu but I bought them anyway.
**cut to making my own commercial**
A woman with brown hair in a ponytail and cute chunky glasses on came up to me and asked me why I picked those broccoli bites. I told her that my son and I are cooking together tonight and I thought they would be fun. In addition, I love broccoli bites. She asked if she could put a recorder on and ask me some questions. I said okay...
Apparently I impressed her, because the next thing I new another woman was there and Braeden and I were going to get paid $150 to film ourselves making the bites and then eating them. They gave me $25 today and after I send back the digital video camera they will send the other $125. The only other thing I need to do is fill out the question sheet that came with the camera which basically asks what my eating habits are and if I enjoy cooking, yada yada.
Bizzare.
Never a normal day in the life of Christy. But who knows, maybe this could be Brae's big break. I don't think he cared too much though, because they gave him a sheet of stickers and then he was all smiles. Haha.
Plug for the brand...Green Giant.
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For three days now I have had an awful headache. Last night it was a full blown migraine. It made me feel like I had super sonic bat ears that could pick up every sound within 15 miles of me. And even the dimmest of lights was all but blinding.
This morning I still have a headache, but I'm not covering my ears and squinting anymore. At least not yet. If anyone has any tips for this, I beg of you, please tell me. I took many pain relievers and had a heated pad on the back of my neck/shoulder for HOURS. Any other ideas?
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I can't explain it. I don't know why I have become so blessed. Maybe I always have been and I finally am able to see what is so wonderful about my life.
Anyway.
My blog was chosen to appear on the front page of The News Journal's website again yesterday. You can read it here. This comes after on Thursday appearing in print on the front of their Home & Garden section!
Truly. I just don't even know what to say. Other than to thank Braeden for being such an amazing inspiration and joy.
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Fear is a funny thing. Some people are afraid of spiders and snakes. Some people are afraid of the dark. Some people are afraid of being alone; others are afraid of committing.
I'm not afraid of singing out loud and sounding obnoxious whereas someone else might be terrified of that. I'm not afraid of ghosts or anything of the paranormal persuasion. I'm not afraid to try squid at an Indian restaurant where there is far too much curry in everything. I am not afraid of allowing myself to go through pain so that I can make someone else feel at ease.
I have found myself at a crossroads. I know I have passed this way before. The scenery is familiar and the feeling is familiar. Choices need to be made.
Imagine a fork in the road. Two paths, both of which I could travel. Both of which I fear. But there are different kinds of fear. And in this instance each of these paths has their own type of fear attached.
One of them is worn, well traveled, many potholes and very dark. And on this path (I've been traveling it awhile) I have tried to lighten the way, with my own optimistic glow. As hard as I have tried...I have been unable to lift the shadows. Eventually those shadows put out my light. And I felt...still feel...fear. Fear of losing myself. Fear of never feeling good enough. Fear of finding myself years down the road, on this same path...crawling. Bloody knees, calloused hands, tear stained cheeks... I fear pain to stay and I fear pain to leave.
The other path is one with a little bit of light. Fancy it a sunrise on the horizon, clouds burnt with red and orange. I have tried to leave the darkness and go to this path before, but I have let fear stop me. Why? Because, I was afraid of the lit path just as much as the dark one. This fear was, in short, the thought of being alone. It didn't matter that I was crawling and broken on the worn path because at least someone was with me. Turning away and moving on meant being alone on my own, trying to find myself and put the pieces back together.
Fear.
I am choosing to overcome it.
I return to bad situations because for a very long time I have been a broken little girl inside the body of a woman. One painful situation after another, it is a pattern and patterns are comfortable. There is always this hope that things will change. Things will get better. I believe it with all my heart. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, ya know? The bad times get so bad that I crave the good times all that much more, so when the good times DO happen it's like a piece of heaven. I get all giddy and happy and I feel just a hint of love. I just want to take it all in and bottle it for a rainy day. That is where fear comes into play again. I jump at the chance for a good moment and then I am so afraid I won't see it again or it will end any second and so I try to get all I can, I try to bottle it away and cherish it like a treasure. Because IT WILL end. It WILL crash and burn. No dinner date or movie night can make up for someone breaking you and abusing you and taking your love for granted.
Seems sick doesn't it? How I can sit here and in complete honesty tell you these things and truly mean them. It is just sick. But it is so true. And I have so much to overcome.
You are skeptical I know. I've said it before, that I'm leaving and I'm not looking back. I'm done. I don't deserve the torture. I am better than this. I deserve better than this and so does my son.
Fear.
It's not a game. It's not drama. It's not ridiculous. No, not at all. You see...this is my life and my future. And I don't want to be afraid anymore. When someone is emotionally abusive they will minimize all of your pain because they know they have inflicted it. They will deny. They will blame. They will call names. They will make you look like the crazy one to everyone on the outside. It is humiliating. You start to feel like maybe you are just being crazy. You start to feel dramatic and ridiculous. You start to feel worthless. You will never be good enough. You will continue to try and try and try, but you will never be able to prove yourself. The fact of the matter is that when you love someone, you shouldn't have to keep trying to prove yourself. You just shouldn't.
"Abusive people can't meet their own emotional needs, so they force and control other people to try to meet their needs. Statistics show that abusive people do not love their victim, they love controlling their victim. (Although they may truly believe they are a loving partner and will often profess to love their partner in a convincing manner.)"
Fear.
No more.
I am NOT worthless!
Labels: life
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"But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely, because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."
*taking a deep breath*
Is it silly that when I pray for courage...I'm really only hoping for the courage to keep standing?
Labels: life
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My number has been changed. I tried to give it to some people yesterday, sorry if you haven't gotten it yet. And as most of you know, I do have a gmail account you can reach me at anytime.
Song of the moment is "Teardrops on my guitar" by Taylor Swift.
And here is a lyrical snippet for you:
So I drive home alone.
As I turn out the light,
I'll put his picture down,
And maybe get some sleep tonight.
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart,
He's the song in the car I keep singing,
Don't know why I do.
He's the time taken up,
But there's never enough.
And he's all that I need to fall into.
He looks at me.
I fake a smile so he won't see.
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If you get The News Journal pull out today's (Thursday, February 22,2007) Home & Garden section and look in the bottom right corner.
Haha. I'm simply giddy about this, but they put in a promo to get people to come to the She Said page online and they used an excerpt from one of my blogs. Isn't that cool? My name is in the paper! This has totally made my day!
So here is the blog entry if you wish to read it.
Labels: life
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I got in touch with a realtor recently because I would like to buy my own place within the next six months.
I know, I know. Some people might think it is not a good idea because there has been a lot of stress in my life and I need to handle my emotional anguish. But for me, setting a goal like this and doing what I can to reach it is important.
And so. I intend to save enough for at least a 5% downpayment on something by August. The realtor thinks that there should be several options for me and he isn't worried. He says I should find a place I really like. I sort of laughed when he said that, as did he, because my tastes can be unique. I'm not picky. Don't get me wrong. Honestly, I just need 1 bathroom and two bedrooms...and preferably a drive way unlike that horrific bungalow...but that is another story for another day.
In my head I envision a fireplace...big open doorways...
Who knows? There is plenty of time to think about it and look around.
But I know I can do this. Brae and I need this and it's something I want as well.
So. The search begins.
Labels: life
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My friend Joe sent a mass e-mail forward to a bunch of people and didn't have a message it just had a link.
Joe is wicked smart and I knew he wouldn't send just anything, so I went to the link and watched a video for a little over six minutes.
No expectations. Just watching. Reading. Hearing the music.
So now I am sharing it with you. Also without a message. So just watch. I know six minutes is a long time but I promise you it is worth it. So first turn the MP3 player on the right OFF. And then press play on the video player below.
Labels: life
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Totally forgot to write about "Bridge to Terabithia."
I'll be the first to admit that though I am an avid reader, I have never read this book. Which I probably should have read to Brae before taking him to see the movie. Perhaps then I could have prepared myself better for the sob fest that occurred midway through the movie and ceased when the movie was over.
The story is about two children who feel like outsiders. They wind up being the best of friends and they build each others confidence whilst also creating a magical imaginary land...Terabithia. Jess and Leslie are King and Queen of Terabithia and they rule the Kingdom. There are fantastical creatures and a dark lord that also inhabit this kingdom and the adventures they have are a joy to watch. 
Leslie inspired me immensely. She was such a free spirit, true to herself no matter what. Plus, I loved the way she dressed.
Aside for the story, the music in this movie was amazing. Jeremy Camp's voice made an appearance which I was happy about. He is also on the Narnia soundtrack. Aaron Zigman did a great job with the instrumentals. The music enhanced the magical feel and it also deepened the sadness. Perhaps that is just because music is entirely emotional for me anyway.
So. Braeden tells me he liked the movie. There were times when he was sad and he leaned against me in the seat. But there were also times when he laughed out loud and even put his arms up in excitement when Jess was protecting Leslie from the possessed squirrel creatures. I don't think he understood all of the plot, but I do think he enjoyed the movie. And it's always fun for me to see his reactions to everything.
The only downfall to the outing was that while waiting in line to get pretzels and fruit punch, someone moved our coats and took the seats we saved. So by the time we got back in the theater since it took 30 minutes to get pretzels...we ended up having to sit in the front row. Brae was fine with it and though I would have preferred to sit farther away it really didn't matter when I saw how entranced he was with the big screen. =o)
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Me and my feelings and my dreams. Lately my intuition or sixth sense has been at a whole new level for me. And I am embracing that fully and hoping to fine-tune this gift even more.
Saturday night I had a series of short, weird dreams. Weird because they were so mundane and random. One of which involved seeing my Dad put his coat, hat and sunglasses on to leave the house. He had a worried look on his face and he said he had to go to Home Depot.
Seems silly, right?
I woke up on Sunday and I told my Dad about the dream. We laughed about it.
A few hours later he came upstairs from the basement and he said "Christy, you need to stop dreaming." Turns out there was a water leak, he didn't have the parts and so he was going to have to run out to Home Depot.
Stranger things have happened I am sure. This is something minor and silly, but coupled with the feelings that I get when someone I love is hurt or when I know I should take a different route to work and there ends up being an accident the way I normally go.
I don't know. I don't think I'm special. I think we all have the ability to tune into something deeper in ourselves...an instinct of sorts. But a lot of people roll their eyes at these kind of beliefs. That's crazy to me because we all know we use very little of our brains intelligence, right, it's 10%. God made us. God is amazing. Don't you think He left his fingerprints behind in His creations?
It just doesn't sound far fetched to me. People need to have an open mind and an open heart. This world would be a better place if the cynics and paranoid people could just stop thinking about everything wrong in their lives and build on the good.
Ok, ok, that is all the philosophical banter for the day. =o)
Labels: life
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Sometimes you come across things that make so much sense you just can't believe you hadn't thought of it before. Why couldn't you have put it into words this way? Or you find the information so useful that you immediately need to blog about it.
Clearly, I just had one of those moments.
I came across this little column, a thought of the day, which discusses the "Triple Filter."
"In ancient Greece, scholar and intellectual, Dr. Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, Do you know what I just heard about one of your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Dr. Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.:
"Triple filter?" asked the man. "That's right," Dr. Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and wanted to tell it to you" "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary, it is bad "
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though. Because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really." Replied the man.
"Well," concluded Dr. Socrates. “If what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, and nor even useful to me, why tell it to me at all."
You can find this daily thought and others at Sisterwoman.com. It doesn't say who authored that post, but I thank them immensely.
Labels: life
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Forgot to let you know. One of the News Journal updaters posted a blog entry of mine on the front page of delawareonline.com again.
It was a sort of tribute entry to my son.
You can check it out here if you would like.
Labels: life
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Tuesday night through yesterday evening we had an ice storm. I believe we got about 2 inches of ice. I took some pictures and was going to send them to delawareonline.com for their storm galleries, but my internet went down yesterday morning and is still not back up. Nor is our power, period.
When I left for work this morning there still was not any power. Braeden and I slept together last night because the electric was out and he was nervous about the dark. We were under 6 blankets and I still felt frozen by the morning. His little furnace of a body remained toasty.
Valentine's Day is such a load of horse crap. Haha. But I have to say that yesterday was probably the best Valentine's Day I have ever had. Due to the ice storm I was able to stay with my Valentine all day long. Braeden even sang me the "little love bug" song that he learned at day care. So sweet.
I hope everyone was safe and warm yesterday. Happy Belated Valentine's Day!
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Sometimes you can just sense when something is wrong. At least I can. And about 10 minutes ago I brough something upstairs to wash. As I was walking downstairs I felt weird, cold and shakey. I fell down about 5 stairs. I'm fine. Just sprained my shoulder.
Took some Tylenol and turned on Heroes. To breaking news. Something tragic has happened at the Naval Yard in South Philadelphia. 4 people killed, 1 critically injured. The shooter turned the gun on himself. I'm not sure what happened. It just upsets me when bad things happen. Life is so precious, so short, why would anyone do this? I have been angry and depressed, but I would never take an innocent person's life. I just don't understand.
Labels: life
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It might seem silly, but a blog I wrote "Marvel Heroes & Silent Laughs" was published on the front page of The News Journal's website at delawareonline.com.
I love to write and I would do it even if no one read my posts. But to know that someone thought it was interesting enough to put on the front of the site, well that's a pretty good feeling.
Guess I should thank Braeden when I get home for the inspiration!
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Oh you know I say "bah" all the time. And it's not a sheep sound, it's like the "bah" in "bah humbug." And meck, well, meck is a cross between "meh" and "heck."
So.
Bah! and Meck!
I'm tired.
Braeden has a pretty wicked cold and an ear infection. Which makes for rough nights. And the medicine I am on has been regulated (increased) which for me means an intense headache. But that will fade within a week or two and so I need to deal with it.
Work is still going very well. I have a katrillion projects on my plate, but I'm embracing it, because it is work I love to do. It feels good to have creative control back and to be appreciated as a web developer. I have even been called a web design genius recently. Haha. I'm definitely not a genius, but it felt good to hear.
Burlap to Cashmere. Where do I come up with these things? I know. I know. But again this is a band that I enjoy. You can listen to 30 second tidbits at Amazon. I recommend "Chop, Chop" and "Mansion."
And if you like it, the singer has a solo album that you can hear samples from on (the oh-so-dreaded) MySpace. Enjoy!
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So the groundhog didn't see his shadow. This means spring is coming early. And though it has been 18 degrees here since that prediction, there wasn't any prediction of precipitation. No prediction of snow in the forecast at all.
It snowed.
It snowed about 2 inches last night.
No I'm not upset. I love snow. But I also like when the roads are plowed. The state can't prepare the roads for proper snow removal IF IT ISN'T PREDICTED!
And so I say. Why in the world do people listen to groundhogs anyway!?
Labels: life
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A tribute blog to baby Tatiyana. I took this picture at the hospital today with my cell phone, so it's kind of blurry. She is absolutely beautiful! I cuddled her for nearly an hour. She is so snuggly! I miss when Brae was that small. I hope I'm blessed with another child someday. Until then I do plan on buying a lot of girly baby things for this little gal.
Congrats again to Natascha and John.
Labels: life
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Am I one?
Right now I'm listening to "White Flag" conveniently part of the music selection of this blog.
And part of the lyrics say "Feed me to the birds."
I get the sentiment.
But I'd much rather BE a bird.
This song is a great song, with amazing lyrics. Moving lyrics.
I always thought that I had to change the world,
but my world came down tonight.
I thought that I had to win the war,
but I'm so lost in the fight.
So I'm letting this be,
and I'm beginning to see.
Speaking of birds.
Braeden is a bird. With a wing span beyond his years. He is so smart. This evening we were at the Fisher Price website playing their toddler games. Some of them require movement of the mouse and clicking on the right animal or choosing the right color paint to color the correct shape. He can do it! I mean he amazed me this evening with how quickly he caught onto each game and how often he was accurate with his responses.
Truly amazing.
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Name: Christy
Appreciating and dancing around to all types of music. Movie mania! Reading fiend!
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