Thursday Thirteen: Mitch Hedberg Jokes

By Christy On Thursday, October 18, 2007 At 7:53 AM

Thirteen Jokes from Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg (rest his soul) is/was one of my favorite comedians. His jokes are off the wall and silly but they make me laugh. The kind of laugh where your face is red, your body is shaking and you can't breathe but no sound escapes your mouth. =o)

I think the tone of his voice and how he'd let certain words linger would make things somehow even funnier. Everything he says is just sarcastic and hysterical.

1. "All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

2. "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

3. "Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."

4. "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

5. "I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

6. "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

7. "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"

8. "People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

9. "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

10. "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

11. "See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

12. "I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

13. "I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* !

ROFL! See! Hahahahahahaha!
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