The Dalai Lama says the first step towards happiness is in learning.

I've been doing a lot of self-help reading and thinking and listening lately. Excerpts from books on tape and quotes around the net. One theme I have been bumping into over and over is about happiness. You cannot depend on someone else for your happiness. It is no one's responsibility but yourself to be happy.

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run." - David Leonhardt

Happiness is not something that comes to you; it's not something you receive from other people. It is something you create now, today. Waiting for something or someone to change in order to be happy is waiting to live your life. It is not what happens to you that counts. It is how you react to what happens to you. It is your attitude. When you adopt a positive attitude, life becomes a rewarding adventure instead of something to get through.

Life should be an adventure! An awfully big adventure!

Whether you want more happiness in your life or some sort of purpose, you have to live, right? But the problem is, most people are looking in all the wrong places. Career. Money. Relationships. Power. Yet, esoteric teachings claim all answers lie within you. It's not about what car you drive or how many friends you have. There is nothing externally which can bring you true happiness. You can surround yourself and suck the energy out of your environment but eventually it will be sucked dry. And what will you have left...you...going through withdrawal...needing to get a fix of the external something which you depended on for happiness.

Ah well, I have to get working now, but I thought I'd share my brain waves this morning. Happy Friday!

Labels: funny, happiness, learning, pain, self help

ROFL. Since my funny yesterday seemed to go over well with folks, I thought I'd share my source of laughter for today as well. Thank goodness for Savage Chickens!

Labels: comic, savage chicken

Every single time I watch this video clip I laugh hysterically. Today I pulled it up for a quick Monday laugh, but I'm in my office and well I didn't want to laugh hysterically.

So I tried to hold in the laughter, but then it became a snort laugh. And the snort laugh made me laugh harder. I can't even imagine what it must have sounded like outside my office door. Lol.



Two of my favorite actors! I do love me some comedic dance scenes. =o)

Labels: dance, funny, hitch, kevin james, will smith

This evening will be day four of seeing Dr. Schreiber. Last night my visit was the shortest yet and it was mostly due to my not being able to relax. Not much you can do in terms of readjusting people when their muscles are all tight. Bless his heart for trying.

Brae and I did the Wii Fit exercises again last night after we got home. It feels good to work out as a "game" because it's not so grueling. Ya know?

There was a slight mob outside on our street last night around 9 p.m. I asked Brian to call the police after it lasted about 15 minutes. I was afraid someone would get hurt and the kids wouldn't get out of the street. Traffic couldn't pass and obscenities were heard loud and clear. Little ears were alert. When Brian called the police claimed they already knew, but as far as I know they never drove by to check it out. *sarcastic shock*

When Brae came home on Sunday night he was oh so cuddly. In all honesty, I know no other feeling so warm and loving as the feeling of a child running up to you and throwing their arms around your neck in a tight embrace.

He had a bruised face and wicked sunburn which his doctor noted on Monday when I took him for a physical. Meh. I was told he fell into a table. I know he is clumsy, it just doesn't look "table-esque" to me. But now on Wednesday I can say he does look better and says he is feeling better. Now if only I could take him with me to work so I can know it for sure. =o)

This brings me to the worst feeling in the world...the feeling of helplessness when it comes to keeping your baby safe. Don't get me wrong, I have and will always do everything within my realm of power to protect my boy. It is when he it outside my realm that I worry. Fortunately, my Mom has a day care and I know he is in good hands when I am at work.

Remember when the whole blog idea first started and we thought it was mostly private? How fantastic it would feel to just pour my heart out entirely...

Friends, let me ask you this, do you believe talking about things makes them better? So often I am told I need to just talk and let it all out. Truthfully, I have done this, I have opened up, but it doesn't heal me. Talking does not remove the poisons for me. I must be doing it wrong, I'm not letting go, I don't know how. And this brings me back to the beginning...I store all the pain and tension, right up in my neck and shoulders.

Dr. Schreiber, poor Dr. Schreiber, what a mess you have on your charts. =o)

Labels: brae, brian, chiropractor, home, pain, truth

This week's unconcious muttering list can be found here. Be sure to play along!!!

Copy and write your responses first and then scroll down for mine.

Don't feel like retyping the words? Just copy and paste the following into your blog:

1. Purchase ::


2. Squeaky clean ::


3. Blended ::


4. Wednesday ::


5. Function ::


6. Look down ::


7. July? ::


8. Raspberry ::


9. Assertive ::


10. Cracker ::

I say and you think...

1. Purchase :: Louisiana


2. Squeaky clean :: Jelly Bean


3. Blended :: Strawberries and rum


4. Wednesday :: Addam's Family


5. Function :: Mal


6. Look down :: How'd I get up here!?


7. July? :: Yeah, so what?


8. Raspberry :: Beret


9. Assertive :: Driver


10. Cracker :: Unkle

Labels: chicken, comic, unconscious mutterings

So it turns out Dr. Schreiber is a chiropractor. My skepticism of all doctors typically has me acting like a brat the entire visit. Dr. Schreiber took it and dished it. He said I waited too long to have someone help me so I could have relief. He said my being stubborn has made the problem worse. He also said he thinks he can help me. He is giving himself and me a two week goal. If in two weeks the pain has not gotten better then he will send me for x-rays.

Lots of paperwork and hundreds of questions went by before any evaluation. I was happy about this because I felt not only was he really listening to me, but he was also being thorough in explaining what was happening. He asked me questions and I felt comfortable asking him questions. His assistant was also very helpful. She sat with us the whole time and I was able to joke with her about life. The two of them definitely aided me in feeling hopeful.

Dr. Schreiber said he would not be sugar coating anything. That the pain in my muscles and joints had gotten worse because I am so stubborn and that repairing the damage would hurt, really hurt. Today he will administer electric shock and he said it would definitely hurt, but it is necessary to tire the muscles and force them to deflate (for lack of better words.)

I guess I didn't want to admit that my carrying tension in my neck and shoulders could inevitably cause such pain and damage. He said pushing down on the top of my shoulder was like pushing into a wall. No give. Just a tight muscle. So tight that I'm nauseous and in constant pain. Dr. Schreiber did some spine adjustments after the consultation but again said I should come back tonight. He also said I should take Magnesium supplements because many women are deficient in Magnesium which acts as a natural muscle relaxer.

This morning I went to the dentist; first time in eleven years! The side of my mouth where I am experiencing pain is fine. Three x-rays showed no trauma or cavities. One tooth (my most sensitive) was biting down before all other teeth and therefore getting beat down more than the others. He adjusted it a bit by grinding down part of it and now when I bite down I can feel all my teeth biting down together. The dentist's name is Dr. Bishop, he is fantastic.

So, I feel this week I have taken great strides. For a girl as stubborn as me who absolutely hates seeing doctors I am taking steps to find out what I need to do to be more comfortable and pain free.

Labels: chiropractor, dentist, hope, pain

Yesterday my boss sent me home because I was in so much pain I was throwing up. So yes, I went to the doctor. I told him, I'm in pain, so much pain I cannot function. Please help me. The bastard gave me new muscle relaxers and told me to go to therapy for my shoulder. He says I'm too tense and all my symptoms are based on that fact.

Though this may be all true, how am I supposed to relax and make myself less tense when I am in so much friggin' pain!?

I have another appointment tonight with someone I haven't seen before. My Dad recommended the practice and they specialize in back and neck pain. Then tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see a dentist. If they tell me it is somehow my jaw or teeth causing this pain I will request they pull them all. I cannot take this consistent awfulness anymore.

But you know what is worse than this mind numbing pain? Finding out the one person who should love you and trust you more than anyone else doesn't. But as this is a public blog, I won't get into any details. I just feel completely lost.

Labels: life, married life, pain

My laptop died on Friday. It is now in IT at work being rebuilt. Everything is lost and nothing was backed up. Since Brian has two laptops and a desktop he was generous enough to let me borrow a laptop over the weekend. Otherwise I can assure you things might have gotten ugly. I have a strong addiction to needing a laptop near me and I proudly admit to this addiction. I have no desire to change it.

I left work a tad early to take Brae to the doctor's again; this was the second Friday in a row. The good news was his ear infection in his right ear had cleared up, the bad news was his left ear was infected now. The sinus infection had not improved at all.

When Brae and I got home from the appointment we were greeted by hundreds of ants who decided to move in and take over our family room. Brian set traps. Braeden tried to vacuum them up with the dust buster.

I spent the remainder of the 95 degree weekend indoors and in pain. I think I have a pinched nerve perhaps. I refuse to go to a doctor just so they can send me for x-rays and then tell me there is nothing they can do but give me pain meds. No thank you. Well, I am teetering though because last night the pain was so significant I was throwing up. I'll see how today goes.

The good news from our weekend was we watched National Treasure 2 as a family on Saturday night. Brian and Braeden made the delicious popcorn. It was a wonderful movie night.

Today is Monday, the start of a new work week. It is already 83 degrees this morning and will be 99 degrees by afternoon. The heat index should com in at around 105 degrees.

Pardon me while I continue to delude myself into thinking it will have to be a better day.

Labels: life

After watching the movie "Not Like Everyone Else" I felt compelled to share and write about it. Based on a true story the movie takes place in the year 2000, after the horrific tragedy at Columbine.

A 15-year-old girl, Brandi, was suspended multiple times and eventually expelled from school for appearing to be a threat to herself and other students. She doodled and wrote stories; she researched religions (including Wicca) to add more detail to her stories. Her hair was dyed a dark black which made her already pale face look even whiter. Other students went to the administration claiming they were afraid of her because she was a witch. They said she practiced witch craft and even put a spell on a teacher who ended up in the hospital. The administration took these accusations seriously, enough so that the girl was suspended. This further heightened the fear of the accusors.

Brandi and her family brought the situation to a civil union in Oklahoma where they lived. The case was taken to federal court with the charges that the administration of the school had taken away Brandi's civil rights. The case was treated as a mockery and dropped.

Brandi went back to school and found though the case was dropped the administration did appear to be taking a different stance in how they would treat people who didn't quite fit the mold of the perfect teen.

This of course has just been a brief summary of the movie, I highly recommend watching it yourself.

You may or may not be familiar with the comic Emily Strange. She sort of fits the "Brandi" profile. Dark hair, pale face and sometimes sinister attitude. I have her posters hanging up in my office. While it hasn't made my boss treat me different it has definitely caused other people to treat me different.

I am a web developer and I'm darn good at what I do. Not only do I produce quality web sites but I also do it quickly. I am creative. I am a designer. I do not fit a pre-made mold of any type. I wear streaks of color in my hair sometimes. Today I have a blue streak.

At my last job I was called a witch. It was meant to be a compliment. The claim was I have "a way about me". Whether or not they really believed I was enchanting people is beyond me, but I didn't pay it much mind. Charisma doesn't signify witchcraft; does it?

I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in magic. To me this isn't a contradiction and I am not a hypocrite.

I believe there are people who do have healing powers just by focusing their energy to push good vibes through you and the bad vibes out. I have a cousin who practices Reiki and she is a healer. A modern day witch? I suppose some would argue that, but why does it have to be construed in a negative light?

I can see spirits and I can sense danger. There are times when the sensation is so strong it gives me intense chills. Maybe I am a witch. Or maybe I'm spiritual. Maybe I am not afraid to embrace the gifts I have been blessed with and so I can increase them.

So if you practice Wicca and you are one with nature I applaud you for being true to yourself. As for the movie I watched, I truly wish the outcome had been different but I am also very happy Brandi fought for her rights and had a family who supported her.

Labels: horrible movie, perseverance, reiki, wicca, witch

Please play along with your answers!
Here's this weeks words:

(You'll wonder what some of mine mean I am sure, but they were my first thoughts and after you read through I will gladly explain.)

1. Gossipping :: Girls


2. Misplaced :: Spiderman


3. Spaceship :: Pajammies


4. Ignore :: Me


5. Bodily :: Grossness


6. Tweezers :: Gnomes


7. Goodnight :: Moon


8. Curls :: Spirals


9. Faucet :: Dripping


10. Right? :: Left?

I tell my husband all the time that we have a gnome on our home stealing my tweezers. Every so often my tweezers go missing. I am convinced there is a conspiracy.

Braeden cannot find the spiderman which goes with his super hero matching game. We looked everywhere. Periodically he asked "Are you getting frustrated?" He knows I get mad when he misplaces things because he does it all the time. I'm amused he says "frustrated" and uses the word correctly. He's a smart 4-year-old.

Labels: unconscious mutterings