Yes, I know, I read this on Oprah's web site, but I liked it and thought I'd share.
Forget everything you've been told. Like: Don't be picky; plan dates with your mate to keep love alive; don't even try to change his annoying habits. Wrong, all wrong.
1. Does my partner feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with me?
2. Does my partner feel accepted?
3. When I feel that life is yanking the rug out from under me, can I go to my partner for nonjudgmental support?
Answering no to even one can signal a fraying relationship.
Uh-oh!
"Reasons and rationalizations abound and rebound. It doesn't matter whether the infractions are big or small. At a certain point, we stop asking why and start asking how. How did it come to this? How much longer can I go on? When there are no hows left, the jig is up.
To be sure, there will be throngs of angry women who will decry me for plunging a stake into the heart of holy matrimony. "My husband is my lifeline," I've heard said (and that's bad news for the aorta). "My husband and I never fight" is another marital chestnut—again, bad news (not to mention a big fat lie), since according to the experts, the strongest relationships are the ones in which people can continually agree to disagree. "My husband is my best friend," others will aver."
Your husband is not your best friend. Your best friend is your best friend. If your husband were your best friend, what would that make your best friend? True that. Carrie is my best friend. Don't know what I would do without her. Seriously.
So I have been search and researching and re-researching to find advice. And some of the content I delve into asks me how I got to that page.
Does thinking about your marriage cause you tension and anxiety?
Are you tired of endless fights, anger and disappointment?
Exhausted by another tired, sleepless night of worry and confusion?
Is there sleeping on the couch and in the spare bedroom?
Are you constantly battling over the smallest issue -- which only led to bigger issues?
Are you both desperately wanting to be accepted and loved, but not feeling it? The more each tried, it seemed the further they moved apart.
Well damn. I'm not the only one. I didn't really think I was, but I also didn't think I'd stumble across so many people who were wondering the same things!
Some advice I have read...
You don't need a whole weekend away or even a regular "date night" to keep the spark alive. Dov and Chana Heller, both Beverly Hills-based marriage therapists and the parents of five, take short walks alone to catch up when they can.
Another option: Pair up to chauffeur the kids to daycare or pick them up from an activity, and use the kid-free portion of the commute or waiting time to chat.
If you can appreciate that the challenging times in your marriage are temporary, you're less likely to feel trapped. Feeling disconnected from your partner while your kids are little is going to happen -- and it doesn't mean that your marriage is on the rocks.
"Instead, see your anger or frustration as a signal that you just need to back up and make a greater effort to connect with each other," says Lindquist.
No matter how hard it may be at times, investing in your marriage now, while your children are young, is vitally important. "One of a child's greatest anxieties is the fear that her parents won't stay together," says Rosemond. "So what is a child's greatest comfort? Knowing that her parents' relationship is as strong as it can be."
So what if you feel like it is the happy times which are temporary?
Maybe the fact that you know you want to save your marriage is your answer. Maybe. Bending and adjusting and supporting and trying to just be there for each other, help each other out. I don't know.
"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps."
- Rocky
Rocky knows.
As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever
decide to leave, she is coming with me."
- Jon Bon Jovi
Lol. Such a great quote.
Who I was when we met and who I am now. Fundamentally, quite different. But still, I know I want to be loved and treated well. I want to be a partner, a co-manager so to speak. I don't want to be in anymore "family" portraits without my husband.
Labels: married life
"One day I went to work and Grace was at her desk and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she'd been driving to work and she'd seen an ambulance and she pulled over and the car in front of her pulled over and the ambulance passed them. She said that she suddenly thought about how when someone is in danger or is hurt that an ambulance is called and that everyone moves so that the paramedics can get to that person in the shortest time possible. She said that all of a sudden she realised how wonderful that was. We, all of us, in this society, move so that someone we've never met can get help."
Perhaps in the spirit of Halloween, but most likely because I have an affinity for loving all things paranormal regardless of the time of year...I downloaded and installed the Ghost Radar app on my iPhone.
