Labels: calvin and hobbes, comic, funny
The Dalai Lama says the first step towards happiness is in learning.Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run." - David Leonhardt
Labels: dance, funny, hitch, kevin james, will smith
Knock knock.Labels: chicken, funny, St. Patricks Day
Because at 9:30 p.m. on a Saturday night Braeden is watching Scooby Doo in his room and Brian and I are laying in bed with our laptops comparing facts about Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel.Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
If you freeze frame #3,000,547 of The Empire Strikes Back, you can actually see Vin Diesel cut off Luke Skywalker's hand with a Ginsu Knife.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Labels: brian, chuck norris facts, funny, vin diesel facts
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road The driver slowly gets out of the car
. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started . .
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Mitch Hedberg (rest his soul) is/was one of my favorite comedians. His jokes are off the wall and silly but they make me laugh. The kind of laugh where your face is red, your body is shaking and you can't breathe but no sound escapes your mouth. =o) I think the tone of his voice and how he'd let certain words linger would make things somehow even funnier. Everything he says is just sarcastic and hysterical. 1. "All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me." 2. "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." 3. "Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience." 4. "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap." 5. "I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all." 6. "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late." 7. "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" 8. "People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky." 9. "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." 10. "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something." 11. "See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it." 12. "I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!" 13. "I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! ROFL! See! Hahahahahahaha! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
Labels: funny, mitch hedberg
I am easily amused, this is true, but come on, you have to admit that this is funny. "The door had been propped open on the warm afternoon, and the small coyote entered and tried to nose its way to the food preparation area, according to employees."Oh dear. Haha. The vision just cracks me up. Poor thing must have thought it was all a mirage or something. Maybe it isn't clear on what it means to be a coyote. Who knows? But props to the small wolf for being so bold as to seek shelter, food and cooler temperatures. Very well done.
Labels: funny
