The Dalai Lama says the first step towards happiness is in learning.

I've been doing a lot of self-help reading and thinking and listening lately. Excerpts from books on tape and quotes around the net. One theme I have been bumping into over and over is about happiness. You cannot depend on someone else for your happiness. It is no one's responsibility but yourself to be happy.

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run." - David Leonhardt

Happiness is not something that comes to you; it's not something you receive from other people. It is something you create now, today. Waiting for something or someone to change in order to be happy is waiting to live your life. It is not what happens to you that counts. It is how you react to what happens to you. It is your attitude. When you adopt a positive attitude, life becomes a rewarding adventure instead of something to get through.

Life should be an adventure! An awfully big adventure!

Whether you want more happiness in your life or some sort of purpose, you have to live, right? But the problem is, most people are looking in all the wrong places. Career. Money. Relationships. Power. Yet, esoteric teachings claim all answers lie within you. It's not about what car you drive or how many friends you have. There is nothing externally which can bring you true happiness. You can surround yourself and suck the energy out of your environment but eventually it will be sucked dry. And what will you have left...you...going through withdrawal...needing to get a fix of the external something which you depended on for happiness.

Ah well, I have to get working now, but I thought I'd share my brain waves this morning. Happy Friday!

Labels: funny, happiness, learning, pain, self help

This evening will be day four of seeing Dr. Schreiber. Last night my visit was the shortest yet and it was mostly due to my not being able to relax. Not much you can do in terms of readjusting people when their muscles are all tight. Bless his heart for trying.

Brae and I did the Wii Fit exercises again last night after we got home. It feels good to work out as a "game" because it's not so grueling. Ya know?

There was a slight mob outside on our street last night around 9 p.m. I asked Brian to call the police after it lasted about 15 minutes. I was afraid someone would get hurt and the kids wouldn't get out of the street. Traffic couldn't pass and obscenities were heard loud and clear. Little ears were alert. When Brian called the police claimed they already knew, but as far as I know they never drove by to check it out. *sarcastic shock*

When Brae came home on Sunday night he was oh so cuddly. In all honesty, I know no other feeling so warm and loving as the feeling of a child running up to you and throwing their arms around your neck in a tight embrace.

He had a bruised face and wicked sunburn which his doctor noted on Monday when I took him for a physical. Meh. I was told he fell into a table. I know he is clumsy, it just doesn't look "table-esque" to me. But now on Wednesday I can say he does look better and says he is feeling better. Now if only I could take him with me to work so I can know it for sure. =o)

This brings me to the worst feeling in the world...the feeling of helplessness when it comes to keeping your baby safe. Don't get me wrong, I have and will always do everything within my realm of power to protect my boy. It is when he it outside my realm that I worry. Fortunately, my Mom has a day care and I know he is in good hands when I am at work.

Remember when the whole blog idea first started and we thought it was mostly private? How fantastic it would feel to just pour my heart out entirely...

Friends, let me ask you this, do you believe talking about things makes them better? So often I am told I need to just talk and let it all out. Truthfully, I have done this, I have opened up, but it doesn't heal me. Talking does not remove the poisons for me. I must be doing it wrong, I'm not letting go, I don't know how. And this brings me back to the beginning...I store all the pain and tension, right up in my neck and shoulders.

Dr. Schreiber, poor Dr. Schreiber, what a mess you have on your charts. =o)

Labels: brae, brian, chiropractor, home, pain, truth

So it turns out Dr. Schreiber is a chiropractor. My skepticism of all doctors typically has me acting like a brat the entire visit. Dr. Schreiber took it and dished it. He said I waited too long to have someone help me so I could have relief. He said my being stubborn has made the problem worse. He also said he thinks he can help me. He is giving himself and me a two week goal. If in two weeks the pain has not gotten better then he will send me for x-rays.

Lots of paperwork and hundreds of questions went by before any evaluation. I was happy about this because I felt not only was he really listening to me, but he was also being thorough in explaining what was happening. He asked me questions and I felt comfortable asking him questions. His assistant was also very helpful. She sat with us the whole time and I was able to joke with her about life. The two of them definitely aided me in feeling hopeful.

Dr. Schreiber said he would not be sugar coating anything. That the pain in my muscles and joints had gotten worse because I am so stubborn and that repairing the damage would hurt, really hurt. Today he will administer electric shock and he said it would definitely hurt, but it is necessary to tire the muscles and force them to deflate (for lack of better words.)

I guess I didn't want to admit that my carrying tension in my neck and shoulders could inevitably cause such pain and damage. He said pushing down on the top of my shoulder was like pushing into a wall. No give. Just a tight muscle. So tight that I'm nauseous and in constant pain. Dr. Schreiber did some spine adjustments after the consultation but again said I should come back tonight. He also said I should take Magnesium supplements because many women are deficient in Magnesium which acts as a natural muscle relaxer.

This morning I went to the dentist; first time in eleven years! The side of my mouth where I am experiencing pain is fine. Three x-rays showed no trauma or cavities. One tooth (my most sensitive) was biting down before all other teeth and therefore getting beat down more than the others. He adjusted it a bit by grinding down part of it and now when I bite down I can feel all my teeth biting down together. The dentist's name is Dr. Bishop, he is fantastic.

So, I feel this week I have taken great strides. For a girl as stubborn as me who absolutely hates seeing doctors I am taking steps to find out what I need to do to be more comfortable and pain free.

Labels: chiropractor, dentist, hope, pain

Yesterday my boss sent me home because I was in so much pain I was throwing up. So yes, I went to the doctor. I told him, I'm in pain, so much pain I cannot function. Please help me. The bastard gave me new muscle relaxers and told me to go to therapy for my shoulder. He says I'm too tense and all my symptoms are based on that fact.

Though this may be all true, how am I supposed to relax and make myself less tense when I am in so much friggin' pain!?

I have another appointment tonight with someone I haven't seen before. My Dad recommended the practice and they specialize in back and neck pain. Then tomorrow morning I am scheduled to see a dentist. If they tell me it is somehow my jaw or teeth causing this pain I will request they pull them all. I cannot take this consistent awfulness anymore.

But you know what is worse than this mind numbing pain? Finding out the one person who should love you and trust you more than anyone else doesn't. But as this is a public blog, I won't get into any details. I just feel completely lost.

Labels: life, married life, pain