March is my birthday month, and now that my birthday has passed, I have had a little time to sit with what turning 45 actually feels like. At first, I had a tiny panic. I wondered whether this was some kind of midpoint, whether I had already done the biggest things I was going to do, whether the version of me standing here now was somehow supposed to be the final draft.
But once I got past that brief spiral, I realized I do not actually believe any of that. I am proud of who I am. I am hopeful about what is still ahead of me. I think there is still plenty of time for more progress, more change, more joy, and more chances to make a difference. In 20 years, half my joints will probably be bionic, and I fully intend to live well into my 100s, so there is still plenty of time to run amok.
The truth is, I like who I am. For a long time, I thought I was supposed to be working toward some perfect, polished version of myself, the one who could hold everything together all the time and do it well. I am not interested in chasing that anymore. I am focusing on being my favorite self, the version of me I know is thriving. That version is still growing, still learning, still a little snarky, and a lot more honest about what actually matters.
What the Last Three Years Have Taught Me About Health
Over the past three years, I have tried hard to practice better self-care. Not the polished, expensive kind that gets sold to women like a personality upgrade, but the real kind. The kind that helps you function, breathe, and keep going.
This Was Never Just About a Photo
Three years ago, in March, I was out with a couple of friends for my birthday. When I look back at those photos now, I can see that I looked happy. I was happy. But what stayed with me was not just what I saw. It was how I felt in my body.
No doctor has ever told me I was overweight, but my weight has been something I have worried about since at least middle school. And for me, this is not just about appearance. My knees have been through a lot. I had my first of many knee surgeries at 16, and that changes how you experience your body. Weight affects how I move, how much pain I carry, and whether I can physically support myself without adding more strain.
And then there is the reality that women’s bodies are constantly shifting. Hormones, stress, age, all of it plays a role. It can feel like trying to manage something that refuses to stay consistent. Packaged chaos is probably the most honest way to describe it.
Finding a Way to Keep Boxing
I got into boxing during my divorce, and it helped me in a way that is hard to explain unless you have ever needed somewhere safe to put your stress. Eventually, the gym became too expensive, so I stopped.
But I missed it, because it made me feel better in my body and honestly boxing feels pretty badass.
Swimming will always be my first love, but it is not accessible to me right now. I do not have the budget for a gym with a pool, and my backyard is 18 by 18, so that option is out.
So I worked with what I had.
If you have been following me, you know I found my way back through Supernatural VR. Once I had that, I set a goal to make time each week to move my body for at least 30 minutes.
Learning What Actually Works
At first, I went hard. Seven days a week, usually over an hour at a time. I kept that up for about a year, and it was not sustainable. My body made that very clear.
So I adjusted. Four to five days a week. Something I could actually maintain.
And I have stuck with it.
I am now on a 158-week streak of meeting my fitness goal. For someone with bad knees, and someone who has never really identified as an athlete outside of swimming, that matters.
I am also the healthiest I have ever been physically. Over the past three years, I have lost 60 pounds. That number still fluctuates, because bodies do that. Mine definitely does. But the bigger truth is that I feel stronger, more stable, and more capable in my own body than I ever have before.
This was never about chasing some perfect version of myself. It was about feeling better, reducing strain on my joints, and being able to support myself in a way that actually works for my life.
The Other Ways I Have Been Showing Up for Myself
Taking care of myself has not just been about physical health. It has been a collection of choices that support me in different ways.
I have stayed consistent with therapy for over a year now, and it has been incredibly helpful in a steady, grounding way.
I have also continued getting tattoos. I have written about this before, but it matters. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life, and tattoos are a kind of pain that I control and choose. There is something powerful in that.
I love Malarkey Tattoos, and I love working with Rem. He has hand-drawn 9 of my 11 tattoos. He is patient, incredibly talented, and he supports my writing, which means a lot to me. I genuinely look forward to every session.
Writing is another piece of this. I wrote and published three books between 2025 and 2026, which is something I am extremely proud of. I have always loved writing, but the Fern Glade Series opened something up in me and helped me process a lot of emotion in a way that felt real.
And in a completely different category, I discovered Good Mythical Morning this year thanks to Braeden and Grace, and I am fully invested. Rhett and Link have become part of my daily routine, and honestly, that kind of joy counts, too.
The Work I Am Proudest Of Is Being a Mom
As much as I have learned about discipline, health, and consistency, my best job, my most rewarding job, and my most difficult job has been being a mom.
I want to be a woman my children can lean on, and also fly away from, knowing they will always have a home with me and I will always have their back. That balance is not easy, especially as a single mom, and it is something I am constantly learning in real time.
Watching Them Grow and Letting Them Go
Brae and his girlfriend, Grace, will likely be moving soon because of career goals and changes. I am not looking forward to that transition, but I know we will all get through it. It is just a new chapter in a lifelong adventure.
Finn is starting his first job today, and I am so proud of him. He will be in school for half the day and working the other half as part of Hodgson’s co-op plan. Watching him step into that responsibility is one of those moments that makes you realize how fast everything moves.
Amelia just had her district honors band concert and is preparing for jazz band and the school’s spring concert. She is so creative and talented. Thirteen has been the hardest year I have had with her, but I think it has also been one of the hardest years for her, too. I understand how overwhelming it is to try to figure out who you are while managing everything else, because I am still doing that myself.
Who I Am Outside of Being a Mom
Because I have been a single mom for so long, there are times when I do not fully know who I am outside of that role. That is not something I feel panicked about, but it is something I am starting to pay attention to.
Maybe that is part of what 45 is asking of me. Not to have all the answers, but to stay curious about the question.
The Reality of Work and Holding It All Together
Part of that answer probably includes the fact that I am still working multiple jobs, because proper compensation in higher education is apparently a fairy tale people tell each other to stay hopeful. So I keep making ends meet with freelance gigs, because bills do not care about institutional dysfunction.
That reality is tiring. Sometimes I can hardly keep my eyes open because I am doing all of the things all of the time for all of the people.
And still, I know I have a good life.
This Is What 45 Feels Like
All in all, I am really freaking blessed.
Even on the overwhelming days, even when I am exhausted, I know I have built something meaningful. I have a strong support system. I have people who show up for me, and that matters.
So yes, turning 45 was a little rough at first.
But what I feel now is steadier.
I like my life. I like who I am. I am proud of what I have built, proud of how far I have come, and proud of the people my kids are becoming.
And honestly, I am pretty stoked for the next 45 plus years, because I know I will keep adapting, growing, and finding my way forward.
